Time on my hands

Ten things you’ll never hear a regency heroine say:

1. Hell with Almack’s. I think I’ll stay home and entertain myself with the footmen.
2. I might as well marry the first man who offers for me. I can always have passionate love affairs afterward.
3. I never really wanted to be a writer/surgeon/spy/scientist/explorer/archaeologist/herbalist/
highwayperson/governess/publisher/artist/balloonist/acrobat/pirate/opera singer/engineer. It just seemed to make me more attractive to eligible men.
4. Oh, Papa, what a shame you gambled away the family fortune. I’m afraid I can’t think of anything I could possibly do to help out.
5. A devastatingly handsome, notorious, wicked rake? Eeeew.
6. I know it’s our wedding night, but would you mind terribly if I got on with my knitting?
7. I don’t care if that adorable lisping child is the apple of the hero’s eye. If she doesn’t shut up I’ll slap her.
8. Pay no attention to my siblings. They’re only here for the sequels.
9. Would you mind using one of those thingies made from animal intestines?
10. You don’t have any? Look in my reticule.

Ten things you’ll never a regency hero say:

1. No brandy for me, thank you. It gives me terrible wind.
2. But I always wear a nightshirt and nightcap. Why should it be any different tonight?
3. All this striding around is giving me groin injuries.
4. No, no. I insist, madam. You take the floor. I’ll be quite comfortable in this huge bed.
5. Send my valet for some Rogaine. I have been indulging in overmuch hair raking.
6. I’m afraid some women have complained it’s rather on the small side.
7. I am Everard Dominic Benedict Ashford Alexander Artichoke FitzGrennan, Duke of Hawkraven, known and feared as Satan’s Elbow, but you may address me as….Cuddles.
8. I really don’t want to go to a gambling hell tonight. Couldn’t we just stay home and read up on the bills we’re supposed to vote on tomorrow in the House?
9. Butler, remove this strange woman from my bed immediately.
10. Waterloo? Oh, it was quite fun, actually.

Janet

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