Time on my hands

Ten things you’ll never hear a regency heroine say:

1. Hell with Almack’s. I think I’ll stay home and entertain myself with the footmen.
2. I might as well marry the first man who offers for me. I can always have passionate love affairs afterward.
3. I never really wanted to be a writer/surgeon/spy/scientist/explorer/archaeologist/herbalist/
highwayperson/governess/publisher/artist/balloonist/acrobat/pirate/opera singer/engineer. It just seemed to make me more attractive to eligible men.
4. Oh, Papa, what a shame you gambled away the family fortune. I’m afraid I can’t think of anything I could possibly do to help out.
5. A devastatingly handsome, notorious, wicked rake? Eeeew.
6. I know it’s our wedding night, but would you mind terribly if I got on with my knitting?
7. I don’t care if that adorable lisping child is the apple of the hero’s eye. If she doesn’t shut up I’ll slap her.
8. Pay no attention to my siblings. They’re only here for the sequels.
9. Would you mind using one of those thingies made from animal intestines?
10. You don’t have any? Look in my reticule.

Ten things you’ll never a regency hero say:

1. No brandy for me, thank you. It gives me terrible wind.
2. But I always wear a nightshirt and nightcap. Why should it be any different tonight?
3. All this striding around is giving me groin injuries.
4. No, no. I insist, madam. You take the floor. I’ll be quite comfortable in this huge bed.
5. Send my valet for some Rogaine. I have been indulging in overmuch hair raking.
6. I’m afraid some women have complained it’s rather on the small side.
7. I am Everard Dominic Benedict Ashford Alexander Artichoke FitzGrennan, Duke of Hawkraven, known and feared as Satan’s Elbow, but you may address me as….Cuddles.
8. I really don’t want to go to a gambling hell tonight. Couldn’t we just stay home and read up on the bills we’re supposed to vote on tomorrow in the House?
9. Butler, remove this strange woman from my bed immediately.
10. Waterloo? Oh, it was quite fun, actually.


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10 Responses to Time on my hands

  1. How about “No, thanks, I don’t really care for lobster patties.”

    And “Certainly, Mama, I will marry the man you’ve chosen. I always obey my parents.”

  2. Todd says:

    From him: “Well, yes I was in the army, but I spent most of the war drinking in Lisbon.”

    From her: “I don’t care how many mistresses you have. I just married you for your money and title.”


  3. Cara King says:

    From him: “I love going to Almack’s. The refreshments are top-notch!”

    From her: “Yes dear, I know your last five mistresses told you you were an excellent lover. But did it ever occur to you that flattery is part of a mistress’s job description?”


  4. Elena Greene says:

    From her: “A little to the left, dear sir, and faster!”

  5. Sophia Nash says:

    How about the following interlude on a traditional Regency wedding night.
    Algie: “Dearest, that hot pink polyester dress you’re wearing (on the cover)is so convenient…not only serves as a day dress but a night rail too.”
    Gertrude: “Thanks Algie, and here I was thinking to, um, ask you how you will get those pantaloons off without any obvious buttons – only a blurry middle.”
    Algie: “But, my dear there’s no sex during the Regency, don’t you know? If fact, I’ve heard a rumor that ever since a few risky couples tried it, they’re closing the lines.”
    Gertrude: “I guess that means that there really isn’t any such thing as safe sex.”
    Algie: “Only if you’re willing to take a walk on the Historical wild side, my love.”
    Gertrude: “Oh, but then everyone will see my cellulite. You know how the hero is always running his hand up the lady on those covers, exposing every square inch of her.”
    Algie: “Not to worry my sweet, they have air-brushing – like what they did to my pant zipper.”
    Gertrude – eyes round: “Oh….and can they make my body parts, um, ’rounder’?”
    Algie: “Certainly.”
    Gertrude: “Oh, well, in that case let’s go for it…..”

  6. Sophia, it’s known as going out with a bang!
    Janet (filthmongerer)

  7. Tess says:

    ROTFL – thanks for the laugh!!!!

  8. Brava ladies (and gent),
    I giggled all the way through that.

    How about from her:
    “Tonight I’ll throw caution to the winds and leave my corset at home!”

    From him:
    “There’s something different about you, Miss James. You seem less inhibited. No, I take that back–you seem positively buoyant.”

  9. LOL! Thanks so much for the great laughs–I really needed them. 🙂 The sad thing is, so much of it is true…

  10. OH MY GAWD. I am glad I haven’t had anything to drink in the last hour! ROFLMAO!!!


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