Greetings, dear ones! Bertie the Beau here once again, popping in whenever I have an atom of free time.

Could someone please explain:

1) What is football? And why are the members of gang called the Stealers not in gaol?

2) What is half time? Is that a sort of time-travelling device?

3) What is the secret to the Tele-Vision story entitled “Lost”? If so many people actually watch these lost people, why cannot any of the watchers tell the lost people where they are?

4) Why are the modern Olympic Games called the Olympic Games when the competitors are obviously clothed?

5) Why would a beautiful woman become so desperate that she married a house?

(As you may guess, I have been studying the Tele-Vision device, which may explain why I only have an atom of free time.)

As ever, I remain exquisitely yours.

Bertram St James