Hello from Bertie

Greetings, friendly Twenty-First Century Populace! It is I, Beautiful Bertie, once again.

Today I went to the Maul. There, I was Mauled. I believe you describe this as Truth in Advertising.

In the Maul, I saw a Shop entitled the ‘Hello, Kitty’ Shop.

I once knew a Cat. It never said hello to me.

I once said hello to it, and it bit my nose.

I have no idea why someone would wish to buy such a Kitty. Might someone explain?

Your servant, as ever,

Bertram St. James, Exquisite

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16 years ago

Dear Bertie, Old Thing,

“Hello Kitty” is not an actual cat; rather, it is a Marketing Phenomenon. By paying a suitably large amount of money, one can buy various normal household items with a stylized pink cat emblazoned on them. While I am not entirely sure why one would wish to do this, I have three plausible theories:

1. One believes that these will be collectors items, worth a vast sum one day. This theory is somewhat weakened by the fact that there are billions of “Hello Kitty” items in existence.

2. Members of the Russian Mafia have let it be known that if you do not buy “Hello Kitty” items, they will mercilessly slaughter your entire family. This seems more plausible than the first explanation.

3. It is a vast experiment in social manipulation, being carried out by aliens from a distant planet. This strikes me as the most likely explanation of the three.

BTW, in my youth there was a similar phenomenon called “Designer Jeans,” in which one paid someone a large sum of money to stitch his name in the pocket of one’s trousers. It never quite made sense to me why, if one is paying to have a name stitched into one’s trousers, one couldn’t have one’s own name; but that was the way it worked.

Your most obedient,


Diane Perkins
16 years ago

Bertie, it is quite apparent that Todd is and never has been a little girl!
Hello Kitty is so cute, she appeals to little girls who smile when they see her. There is probably some psychological reason for this–how Hello Kitty’s features mimic the features of babies which females are programmed to respond to with utterances of “awwwwwwwww.”
But the bottom line is, she is cute and all the items created in her image are cute!
Which “maul” had the hello kitty store? I want to go shop there!
(whose daughter is more of a Chococat girl than Hello Kitty)

16 years ago

I agree, while I’m not really into the whole Hello Kitty thing, still, I love cats, just ask my Kitty, and she is cute! 🙂

I, ah, just really hate pink. . . LOL 🙂

And I did get a Hello Kitty Pez dispenser a month or two ago. . . to go with my Darth Vader, Emperor, Tweety, Donald Duck and Bert and Ernie ones. 🙂

But maulled, oh yeah. Well, okay, not when we go, it tends to be during the week in the morning. No one’s there. But Christmas, UGH! 🙂

Lois, who really is 29 years old. . .

Diane Perkins
16 years ago

Look into Chococat. No pink at all!

16 years ago

Just to be clear–I didn’t mean to give the impression that I don’t like cats. I am very fond of cats. Some of my best friends are cats. Cats are so cute, and fluffy. Go cats! Just to be entirely clear.


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