Bertie Goes to the Movies

Greetings, O Patrons of the Regency! It is I, once again — Bertram St. James, Exquisite as ever, here to grace you with my Presence.

In case there are Newcomers to this Blog, I shall merely say that not long ago I was a Cheerful and Decorative denizen of the year 1811, but by some accident of Natural (or Supernatural) Philosophy, found myself in your current age. So now I am trying to “Fit In” in this Velocitudinous Era.

Once I made the acquaintance of the Tele Vision, I spent much time studying it. But now that the Tele Vision has cruelly begun showing the same thing that it showed in February, I have turned to the Cinema instead.

Here, for your Delectation, are my opinions on some “Movies” that I have seen.

First, I saw a Movie about fashion. Modern Fashion is quite ugly. I do not understand it at all. However, I am glad that the characters in this Movie learned that Fashion is indeed quite important. (I could not bear to face an existence without it.) But what these characters fail to understand is that it is also important for Fashion to be Aesthetically Pleasing.

One thing puzzled me, though…the white-haired lady in this movie strongly reminds me of Mrs. Drummond-Burrell, who is Not my favorite person. Mrs. D-B has ghastly taste in handkerchiefs, and she once failed to invite me to a dinner-party I very much wished to attend. And her manner? I shudder just thinking of it.

But on to the next Movie! I confess I did not understand Super Man in the least. Is he an American God of some sort? If so, he really should put some clothes on. I grew quite embarrassed watching him. True, were he wrestling or boxing or swimming, he might be guilty merely of atrocious colour-choices — but he larks about in front of ladies and children and editors in his underthings — his Blue And Red underthings! I feel faint merely thinking about it.

One thing I will say in his favour, though — his hair is divine. Never a lock out of place. I do wish I had his hair. Mine never will hold a curl properly.

At length, I saw the Movie entitled “Pirates of the Something or Other, Dead Something Something.” (I detest long titles. Can never recall them. Shakespeare had that fault — all I can ever remember was that I once saw Kemble in “The History of King –” and then my memory fails me — some king or other — dashed if I can ever remember which one. There was a lot of killing, and far too much talking — does anyone know which play that was?)

Ahem. Where was I? Oh, yes. I saw that Pirate Movie thing. Very interesting. Some of the folk were wearing actual clothing. And hats. I like hats. Don’t know why you modern lot never wear them. Unless you are in a “Musical Video” wearing many chains.

Oh, goodness, what was I saying? Pirates. Right. Don’t understand why the Ladies find that Sparrow character attractive. He’s quite a mess. His hair is barbaric — don’t supposed he’s combed it since he was breeched. And his teeth! No, it’s utterly beyond me. If he were on my doorstep, I’d have my man send him on his way right enough. How can you ladies tolerate him? Please explain. I do wish I understood it.

That Turner fellow is slightly better. But not much. Handsome enough, I suppose, but far too dirty. And both of them need fencing lessons. Sloppy footwork, no style at all.

I would much appreciate it if any of you could solve for me any of the following conundrums :

Why do the ladies like these Turner and Sparrow characters?

Why don’t modern folk wear hats?

Why doesn’t Super Man put some clothes on?

Who is Super Man’s hairdresser? And is he taking new clients?

Until I learn the answers to these, I will remain, as always,

Yours Truly,

Bertie the Beau

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10 Responses to Bertie Goes to the Movies

  1. Cara King says:

    Bertie dear, I will do my best.

    Why do the ladies like these Turner and Sparrow characters?
    Because sartorial splendor is not what the modern woman seeks in a man. No, she cares more for rugged good looks, or intelligence, or sense of humor — and Jack Sparrow and Will Turner have some or all of these.

    Why don’t modern folk wear hats?
    You’ve got me there. I have no idea.

    Why doesn’t Super Man put some clothes on?
    His good friend the Hulk explained what happened to normal clothes if one superheroed around in them, so Superman wisely chose abnormal clothes.

    Who is Super Man’s hairdresser? And is he taking new clients?
    I expect Superman’s hairdresser is a blowtorch. So I advise you to seek another.


  2. Lois says:

    Why do the ladies like these Turner and Sparrow characters? —
    Well, I guess it’s a certain bad boy image that they go for. At least that’s what I’m assuming, I haven’t seen the movies either. LOL Not my thing. But pirates usually = bad guys, but these two probably aren’t truely bad, just bad boy tendencies. A major turn on. πŸ˜‰

    Why don’t modern folk wear hats? —
    They get in the way! LOL Only time I wore one was when watching the Mets in the World Series a couple years ago. But that’s a long story, the World Series. πŸ™‚

    Why doesn’t Super Man put some clothes on? — You see, it’s all physics. Tights and a cape allows for the best aerodynamics, so he can fly as fast as he can, and his sleeves don’t get in the way of his dismantling bombs and hitting people and all that stuff. That and ladies also go for the good guys, and he’s a major big time good guy, and he has to show off his assets. πŸ™‚

    Who is Super Man’s hairdresser? And is he taking new clients? — Well, see, Superman’s an alien from another planet, and they are born that way, never needing a hairdresser. Darn for us. πŸ˜‰

    But certain long titles are lots of fun. I mean, Star Wars Episode III Revenge of the Sith just rolls off the tongue. πŸ™‚ And totally agree with you, a lot of modern fashion stinks. Eww. πŸ™‚ Those darn fads. LOL


  3. Bertie,
    I think you’re not telling us the whole story. Everyone knows that men here only like movies where things (trucks, bridges, large buildings) blow up.
    So who was the lucky woman?
    Do tell…

  4. Todd says:

    Bertie, Old Thing,

    I am afraid you will just have to pine for Superman’s hairstyle. You see, his hair is perfect only under the yellow sun of Earth; under the red sun of Krypton, his homeworld, his hair would get tangled and mussed like everyone else’s. This is a deep principle of physics, which is too complicated to explain without a lot of string theory, astrophysics, and differential geometry. Though I have sometimes wondered if a high-SPF sunscreen would make him lose his powers…

    Sorry, old man! But if you like, I can introduce you to Wonder Woman’s modiste.


  5. Todd says:

    By the way, Bertie,

    I think the play you are thinking of is either “Henry the Ninth Part Two” or “Henry the Second Part Nine.” Take your pick!


  6. Cara King says:

    As to the play, Bertie, I’ll give you 20 to 1 odds that it’s either King Richard Something Or Other, or King Henry Something or Other.


  7. Rob says:

    By dearest Bertie –

    Modern folk don’t wear hats anymore because of climate change – it’s much too windy in this day and age. You’ll notice those who do wear hats now wear them much closer to the scalp, to minimize the sail-like characteristics of the brim. Additionally, you’ll notice most hat-wearers are now doing it inside, again limiting the wind difficulties.

    Eventually, in the next development of headwear, everyone will wear a skullcap that is exactly like Super Man’s hair in wind-defying capabilities.

    Further climate change will force us all to go bald.

  8. So, the ladies like the “bad boys,” but they also like the “good guys”??? Is it any wonder that we poor men are floundering about, trying to understand what the female of the species wants?

    And my dear Madame Mullany, I confess I was unaware that modern men only visited the cinema to see things “blow up.” Perhaps this has some bearing on the male/female divide at present? I have learned, after all, that women apparently all wish to “slim down.” Yet if the men all “blow up” and the ladies all “slim down,” I suspect there is a gross inequity of food going on somewhere.

    As to whether or not I attended the Cinematic Theatre with a Lady, I shall remain mum, as a Gentleman always does.

    But while we’re on the subject, do allow me to ask why a lady would tell one she was not at all hungry and did not want any food, but then proceed to eat most of one’s Popped Corn? Does this have something to do with the Blowing Up/Slimming Down Conundrum?

    At sea, as usual, (but stunning nonetheless),


  9. Sir Bertram–I cannot speak for ALL ladies, but I myself am never at all hungry when I travel to the cinema with my hostess. I only eat those Sour Patch Kids (vile concoctions) to save her from making a sad pig of herself.

    And I quite agree with you on the sad state of fashion in that Devilish movie. These poor modern creatures have not a whit of an idea about true style. Perhaps we should pen our own fashion magazine a la that “Runway”, which was apparanetly written by that woman in the hideous dark spectacles. We must reintroduce the world to genuine “sartorial splendor”!

  10. Elena Greene says:

    Bertie, I am mystified by many of these questions too, but want to thank you for giving your opinion of these films.

    I am ecstatic, just having gotten a babysitter so my husband and I can go see THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA.

    In case you are worrying, a babysitter is not a baby who sits, nor someone who sits on babies.

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