Bertie’s Guide to Being Beau


Greetings! It is I, Bertram St. James, Exquisite — also known as Bertie the Beau. (Because I am. Very.)

Today I shall (attempt to) teach you all how to be more beautiful, more elegant, more….more…how can I put this?

Oh, very well, I’ll say it. More like me. (Which is of course the goal to which you all aspire.)

First, you must shun all cats. Cats have one goal in life, and that is to ensure that you are as covered in cat-hair as they are. This proves that cats are selfish, vain beasts, and do not deserve the company of such beautiful creatures as us.

Second, you must get your beauty rest. Twelve hours a night should do, but if you insist on staying up late to watch the fascinating dramas on the TeleVision Device (such as Heroes, starring the very beau Hayden Panettiere and Sendhil Ramamurthy) and find you only have eleven hours for sleep, do take a nap the following day.

Third, wash your face in cream seven times a day. (This, by the way, is yet another reason not to keep a cat, who will take far too much interest in such a procedure–after which, one’s face is sadly scoured and red.)

Fourth, you must pay your valet well. (Or your lady’s maid, if you are a lady.) Allow your man to sneak a bit of your best brandy — after all, pettiness never won loyalty — but do not allow him to drink too much of it, or you will find your haircuts uneven and your coats poorly brushed.

Fifth, and most important: be born beautiful.

Those, in short, are my guidelines. What are yours? How do you recommend treating your valet (or lady’s maid)? Do you have a cat, and, if so, how do you manage to stay beautiful?

Yours in elegance,

Bertie the Beau

About Elena Greene

Elena Greene grew up reading anything she could lay her hands on, including her mother's Georgette Heyer novels. She also enjoyed writing but decided to pursue a more practical career in software engineering. Fate intervened when she was sent on a three year international assignment to England, where she was inspired to start writing romances set in the Regency. Her books have won the National Readers' Choice Award, the Desert Rose Golden Quill and the Colorado Romance Writers' Award of Excellence. Her Super Regency, LADY DEARING'S MASQUERADE, won RT Book Club's award for Best Regency Romance of 2005 and made the Kindle Top 100 list in 2011. When not writing, Elena enjoys swimming, cooking, meditation, playing the piano, volunteer work and craft projects. She lives in upstate New York with her two daughters and more yarn, wire and beads than she would like to admit.
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