AUSTEN TREK: Tribble and Prejudice

AUSTEN TREK: or, if Jane Austen wrote Star Trek…

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single captain in possession of a starship, must be in want of a tribble.

However little known the feelings or views of a captain may be on his first entering a space station, this truth is so well fixed in the mind of a con-artist like Cyrano Jones, that the captain is considered the rightful property of some one or other of the tribbles.

“My dear Captain Kirk,” said Cyrano Jones to him during his first day on Deep Space Station K7, “have you heard that I possess a miraculous cure for high blood pressure?”

Kirk replied that he had not.

“But it is true,” returned the trader; “for Doctor McCoy’s tricorder has just been here, and confirmed it beyond all doubt.”

Captain Kirk made no answer.

“Do you not want to know how I cure it?” cried Cyrano Jones impatiently.

“YOU want to tell me, and I have no objection to hearing it.”

This was invitation enough.

“Why, my dear captain, you must know, I have in my possession a rare and invaluable creature, the like of which none but the wise ancients of Organia have ever before possessed.”

“What is it called?”


“Is this tribble a group, or a single creature?”

“Oh! Single, my dear Captain Kirk, to be sure! A single tribble, but with a large capacity for reproduction: it will yield four or five thousand a year. What a fine thing for your crew of four-hundred and thirty!”

“How so? How can it affect them?”

“My dear James Kirk,” replied the trader, “how can you be so tiresome! You must know that I am thinking of you purchasing a tribble for them.”

“Is that your design in speaking to me?”

“Design! Nonsense, how can you talk so! But it is very likely that you MAY fall in love with one of them, and therefore you should look over my stock carefully.”

“I see no occasion for that. You may send the tribbles away, or you may choose to accompany them, which perhaps will be still better, for inasmuch as you are as annoying as they are silly and ignorant, I am less likely to end by striking you if your face is not in the same room as my fist.”

And the question for today is: Do you like Austen Trek? Hate it? Do you want to see variations on it (e.g. Bronte Trek, Heyer Trek, Austen of the Lost Ark, etc)?

And if you want to read previous installments of Austen Trek, just click on the words “Austen Trek” at the bottom of this post!

Cara King, going where no Regency writer has gone before…

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Susan Wilbanks
14 years ago

I love Austen Trek! And I’d be up for Austen of the Lost Ark, Austen of the Rings, etc. (The Austen Office, maybe? I’d like to see a Jane take on Pam and Jim, not to mention Dwight and Angela…)

Georgie Lee
14 years ago

A co-worker of mine has a stuffed Tribble on his desk. Sometimes its laughter echoes through the office 🙂

I enjoy Austen Trek! Keep boldly going!

Cara King
14 years ago

Thanks, Georgie!

Sometimes its laughter echoes through the office 🙂

Bwa ha ha…. (Or, wait, I bet tribbles and high-pitched laughs… So maybe tee hee hee…) 😉

Susan, I don’t know the Office all that well, but Austen of the Rings — I like!


Elena Greene
14 years ago

LOL! Love Austen Trek. As to the other ideas–do what you like, have fun with it and I’m sure we will too.

Bertram St James
14 years ago

Need I really trek to Austin? Is that not in the Republic of Texas? May I not instead merely trek to Mr. Starbuck’s fair establishment and use your incredible card to purchase myself another peppermint white chocolate mocha thing? I promise not to spill it on the sofa while watching Lost this time.

Bertie the Beau

14 years ago

Oh I have to have my dose of Austen Trek periodically or I go into a steep decline. (And trust me you DON’T want that to happen!) And I really think we MUST have Austen of the Lost Ark. Too funny! I think Bertie would make a very dashing Regenciana Beaunz!

Cara King
14 years ago

I think Bertie would make a very dashing Regenciana Beaunz!

I’m sure he will! Or would that be Doctor Beaunz McCoy? 🙂


Diane Gaston
14 years ago

I love the Tribbles! There was a time when I could quote long stretches of the dialogue…..um…..it was a bit different than what you have written here.

Cara, your Austen trek is so creative it defies proper words of praise! keep it up!

(Nice to see you back, Bertie. I hope your travels were educational for you)

Amanda McCabe
14 years ago

LOL! Would luv to see Bronte Trek. 🙂

Keira Soleore
14 years ago

Sign me up for all variations, particularly Austen of the Lost Ark and … Project Austen Runway.

Tribbles?? I thought those were Bertie’s hedgehogs pictured there.

Bertie, welcome back here. And I sure hope your travel were fun for you. None of that elevating, educational stuff.

14 years ago

Georgie wrote:

A co-worker of mine has a stuffed Tribble on his desk. Sometimes its laughter echoes through the office 🙂

Stuffed tribbles…mmm!…maybe with mushrooms and crabmeat…


14 years ago

…Though I suppose if it’s someone’s pet, I shouldn’t eat it. 🙂


Bertram St James
14 years ago

Tribbles?? I thought those were Bertie’s hedgehogs pictured there.

I believe hedgehogs have a tendency towards eyes. Mine certainly does. He could not press my coats nearly so well without.



14 years ago

Ooh, the tribbles!!!!!! 🙂 That’s soooo my favorite Original Trek episode (well, like most peoples, arguably. LOL) 🙂

But noooooo!!! They’re too cute to eat!! Granted, no one knows where their eyes and mouths are, but still. . . 🙂

But ah, not Raiders of the Lost Ark. Very much prefer the Last Crusade. . . I mean, Indy’s father says Austen more than Raiders. 🙂

Oh yeah, ah, would Austen Phantom be too redundant in a way or something? LOL 🙂


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