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Bertie the Beau talks about Vampires

I received an email today from Bertram St James, the exceedingly elegant gentleman who mysteriously traveled from Regency England to our modern world a few years ago, and ever since has been watching way too much television and charging pizza and designer clothes to my credit card.

And, because I have nothing clever to say today, I figured I’d just share part of Bertie’s email…

(I know he won’t mind. He loves attention.)

I have a new question, writes the illustrious beau.

I have been attending more Moving Theatres, you see, as well as looking at the TeleVision Device for many hours every day, trying to decipher the ways of your society.

By the way, one of my favourite programmes was that Election series! How very dramatic!

(Though I fear I missed the finale…did Tiny Frey become Prime Minister?)

Oh, yes, my question.

Why are vampires all so comely?

Why do they dress so well?

Why are they neat and clean and elegant?

And why do they pay attention to their hair?

Or perhaps my true question is: why are all the non-vampires on TeleVision and Movie Pictures so unattractive, so poorly groomed, so slovenly?

I feel that if I can ever solve this conundrum, I will be much closer to actually understanding your Modern world…

In the meantime, I will continue to search for answers…

Answers as to why Dr. House never shaves! (And why, if he never shaves, he never grows a proper beard.)

Answers as to why Peter Petrelli cut off his lovely hair!

And answers as to whether or not that Bond fellow is ugly or handsome. I cannot make up my mind!

What do you think?

There you have it…Bertie the Beau’s latest musings….

And I second his last question: what do you think?

Cara
Cara King, who has more questions than answers herself…

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Diane Gaston
14 years ago

Good questions, Bertie.

I have never understood the appeal of Vampires, no matter how they dress. I mean, even the good ones have icky ways of nourishing themselves.

azteclady
14 years ago

Well, I would think that if vampires were ugly and dirty and stinky, it would be harder for them to seduce their food source *grin*

Amanda McCabe
14 years ago

I suspect that immortality somehow gifts them with great hair–it would be terrible to go through all time with a bad coiffure! (in the case of the “Twilight” vamps, it also gives them the ability to sparkle, which I thought was weird and not very useful…)

I’m with Diane, though. The romantic appeal of vampires somehow escapes me.

Debora
14 years ago

I’ve never understood the appeal of vampires, either…it must be their immortality…but all I can think of is where would I put all those books I’d acquire?! No, I would think that their comely appearance is all a part of their seduction…I’ve got to say that I sure don’t mind gazing at photos of Spike and Angel…as to the new James Bond…be still my heart! Blond _and_ dangerous!

Elena Greene
14 years ago

I think I sort of get the appeal of vampires though I don’t fully buy into it. There’s a somewhat edgy connection between pleasure and pain and then there’s the whole neck thing Janet blogged about a few days ago. Then there’s the loneliness and isolation, the fear and loathing that vampires generate (at least within the stories) so you have the whole dark brooding hero/heroine thing and a built-in conflict if he/she falls in love with a mortal.

But though I’ve read some good vampire stories, like Karen Harbaugh’s Vampire Viscount, I’m not one of those who seeks out everything vampire. I haven’t read enough to say if there’s too much sameness about them but it seems likely.

I can’t answer some of Bertie’s specific questions–I do not watch enough TeleVision. As to that Bond fellow, I would not call him handsome so much as compelling in a way that has little to do with mere looks.

Diane Gaston
14 years ago

I would not call him handsome so much as compelling in a way that has little to do with mere looks.

Wow, Elena! You have to use that line in a book!!!

Megan Frampton
14 years ago

Bertie as a near-immortal yourself, don’t you feel it is important to be well-groomed at all times?

I gotta admit I love vampires. Love vampire stories, could never write them.

And that Bond guy is just Confidence defined. So incredibly sexy.

Susan Wilbanks
14 years ago

Bertie is exceedingly well-groomed, and was born over two centuries ago…have we seen him in direct sunlight? How does he feel about garlic and crosses?

The Bond fellow is ugly-handsome. Or something. Whatever he is, he’s hot. Christopher Eccleston has the same effect on me. And John Oliver, though he’s more what one of my friends calls “adorkable” than sexy-intense. Hm. Perhaps it’s a British thing? Which is not to say that there aren’t many British men who are just handsome or just ugly, but some of them have an unusual knack for being both at once…

Cara King
14 years ago

Azteclady and Debora, I think you must be in the right of it — vampires use their looks to lure prey to them, just the way that cats used their cuteness to enslave the human race…

Amanda, I can’t wait to see what they do in the Twilight movie about the sparkliness of the vampires! (I just read Twilight — finally — so now I’m curious!)

Megan, I agree that Daniel Craig is more sexy than handsome. In a very rugged, manly way. I think this new Bond flick is pretty weak, but it’s not his fault. 😉

Susan, it’s so interesting to hear you bring up Eccleston in the same breath as Craig — I have a friend who was a MAJOR fan of both Craig and Eccleston back before anyone had ever heard of either of them…and I can see that they’re both charismatic and not conventionally handsome (though I confess that I don’t think I’ve seen Eccleston in anything but Dr Who!)

Cara

Susan/DC
Susan/DC
14 years ago

Christopher Eccleston was in the first Elizabeth movie with Cate Blanchett and was a definite plus for the film.

As for vampires, I’m not particularly a fan, although I saw a lovely Swedish film about vampires last week called “Let the Right One In”. It has the standard vampire tropes, but it is not a romance since the main characters are a 12 year old boy and a girl who is “12, more or less”.

A question relating to Bertie’s (don’t know why I never thought of this before): if vampires aren’t alive, does that mean their hair doesn’t grow? So if they cut their hair it won’t grow back? Over the centuries one would save much on the barber, but it’s kind of sad not to have options.

Bertram St James
14 years ago

As to that Bond fellow, I would not call him handsome so much as compelling in a way that has little to do with mere looks.

But how can that be, Mme Greene? How can an ugly man be compelling? Unless you mean compelling one to look away…

I fail to understand this modern age!

Or perhaps it is the gentler sex that I fail to understand…

Bertie as a near-immortal yourself, don’t you feel it is important to be well-groomed at all times?

Well, yes, of course. But I felt that way two hundred years ago as well — so it cannot have anything to do with that.

And I must point out, Mme Frampton — I am exceedingly young. I did not live through each intervening generation, as a vampire would, but I skipped two centuries — so I am not only not immortal (as far as I know), but I am quite youthful.

Bertie is exceedingly well-groomed, and was born over two centuries ago…have we seen him in direct sunlight? How does he feel about garlic and crosses?

I detest garlic, my dear lady! And also those who have recently eaten it.

And I rarely allow direct sunlight on my skin, because it is so very harsh and unflattering, and dries out one’s complexion dreadfully.

But please do not conclude from these statements that I am a vampire. I assure you all, I come by these devastating good looks quite naturally.

Bertie the Beau, at your service

Amanda McCabe
14 years ago

“Christopher Eccleston was in the first Elizabeth movie with Cate Blanchett and was a definite plus for the film”

Totally agree! He was very–intense. He was also in a film version of “Jude the Obscure” with Kate Winslet, and was a villain in some movie I don’t remember the name of (I saw it last spring at Megan’s–there was this kid, and lots of people with swords. And Swearingen! And CE rode around on a black horse with a long black cloak)

Cara King
14 years ago

Okay, I looked Christopher Eccleston up on imdb, and I have seen him in a few other things!

— he was Claude in Heroes, which I now remember…liked him in that…

— I must have seen him in Elizabeth, but it’s been so long I forgot!

— saw him as a villain in Seeker: the Dark is Rising, a mostly dreadful adaptation of a great book, and I barely remember it…

— there was at least one other thing that has slipped my mind, but imdb has suddenly stopped working, so I can’t look it up…

I never saw Jude — I’d read the book, and I’m still traumatized!

Cara

Janet Mullany
14 years ago

Hmmm, Bertie. All this interest in other gentlemen. Are you trying to tell us something?

Todd
14 years ago

Susan/DC wrote:

If vampires aren’t alive, does that mean their hair doesn’t grow? So if they cut their hair it won’t grow back? Over the centuries one would save much on the barber, but it’s kind of sad not to have options.

I think in the Anne Rice stories a vampire’s hair stays magically the way it was when they were turned. So if a vampire cuts his hair, it immediately grows back. This must be handy if one ever needs to stuff a pillow.

I think the thing of vampires being gorgeous is a relatively recent phenomenon–in Dracula the vampire is repellant. Even in Dracula there was already a definite Freudian vibe going, though Stoker, as a good Victorian should, repressed any hint of actual sexuality.

Todd-who-wouldn’t-mind-not-having-to-cut-his-hair-but-isn’t-into-the-whole-blood-thing

Todd
14 years ago

Also: I think that Daniel Craig, aside from being blond, is pretty close to Ian Fleming’s conception of James Bond. And I liked the new movie better than Cara did, especially since it has the word “Quantum” in the title, though I agree it is far inferior to the previous one.

Todd-who-has-studied-the-subject-in-great-detail

Keira Soleore
14 years ago

I have an anti perspective here. Because they’re so much talked about, I tried reading one of JR Ward’s books. OMG! I was shell-shocked and squicked out. Sorry, I cannot understand nor see the hawtness of drinking blood coinciding with s.e.x.

Todd
14 years ago

For a somewhat more humorous take, I recommend “Bloodsucking Fiends: A Love Story,” by Christopher Moore. Very funny! And it really is a love story.

I still haven’t read the sequel, “You Suck! A Love Story.”

Todd-who-doesn’t

Bertram St James
14 years ago

All this interest in other gentlemen. Are you trying to tell us something?

Good point, Mme Mullany! All the attention should be on me. I am surely more worth looking at than any other gentleman, even one as well groomed as one of these vampire fellows.

Bertie, Beau as Ever

Elena Greene
14 years ago

But how can that be, Mme Greene? How can an ugly man be compelling? Unless you mean compelling one to look away…

Apologies, dear Bertie. I am sure I erred in using the term “mere looks”. But important as appearance may be, I find that a man’s intelligence, confidence and other traits contribute a great deal to his attractiveness.

Must see more Christopher Eccleston… 🙂

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