New cover and tabloid book blurbs

First, here’s the new cover for Dedication, coming from Loose-Id next month, and you’ll hear all about it as time goes on. There’s more information on my site. Isn’t it pretty!

My task of the day is coming up with a blurb for another book that will be out sometime … soon. It’s called The Malorie Phoenix and was originally written as an option ms. for Signet Regencies (remember them? Polyester dresses, no sex?). So on p. 7 the hero and heroine (who was, uh rather young, but the age of consent then was 12… No, of course she’s not 12! But she’s not 21 or 31, but inexplicably she’s a virgin) are at it. And I was going to send this to Signet? Thank goodness the line ended.

I can’t but help think of this in tabloid language which isn’t helping me with the blurb.

Earl’s Son Bonks Virgin at Vauxhall Gardens
“I didn’t ask to see ID,” says Benedict de Malorie, officer in some regiment or other. “I thought she was doing her bit for the Napoleonic war effort.”

Suspected Criminal Tangles with Aristocracy
Alleged pickpocket Jenny Smith, who refused to give her age, today accused the younger son of the Earl of T— of fathering her child. “And he was pretty incompetent in the sack,” Miss Smith reported as she emptied her pockets of three handkerchiefs, a fob seal, and a cravat pin. “Where the heck did these come from? I’ve never seen them before in my life.”

Vauxhall Gardens Shock Horror
… and so on.

So let’s take a look at a few tabloid interpretations of favorite books

Red Carpet Shocker at Meryton Assembly
Neither Fitzwilliam Darcy nor Elizabeth Bennet were available for comment following their encounter at the Meryton Assembly. Ms. Bennet, described by close friends as “in remarkably good shape following a night of dancing” has been seen working at her embroidery.

Willoughby Does It Again!
“I’ve no idea what her problem is,” John Willoughby said after accusations made publicly last night by Marianne Dashwood. “She obviously came out of rehab too soon.”

Just Friends
Pooh and Eeyore denied any romantic entanglement again today after they were seen sharing honey and thistles in an intimate thicket. “I think we should give them their privacy to work things out,” commented John Watson, long time companion of hottie Sherlock Holmes.

OK, now it’s your turn…

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10 years ago

Secret Lesbian Fabienne “comes out”… Fabienne secretly heterosexual, falsely claimed lesbianism to obtain publishing contract… Fabienne sexually confused by downturn in economy — is she or isn’t she?

Jane George
10 years ago

Ghost arsonist torches Thornfield! Rochester blinded by sight of hideous spectre. Is phantasm to blame for previous mysterious disappearance of governess?

Janet Mullany
10 years ago

Nicely done, persons!

10 years ago

Hallucinogenic rant
A young woman named Alice was picked up and sent to an unnamed treatment facility after she was found wandering around claiming to have followed a rabbit wearing a waistcoat down a hole and seeing talking cats, caterpillars, walruses and tortoises.

We really have too much time on our hands.

Diane Gaston
10 years ago

Those are great!!!! As are yours, Janet.

I won’t even make an attempt

Way to go, on Dedication and its lovely hot cover!

Elena Greene
10 years ago

Janet, love that cover and I’m looking forward to the new version of Dedication and the next book!

Lady Wesley
10 years ago

Stalker Accosts Master of Pemberley

Claims to be Mr. Darcy’s Fiancee

. . . Earlier this year, the young lady, said to be from a village in Hertfordshire, had followed Mr. Darcy to the home of his aunt, Lady Catherine DeBourgh, in Kent. . . .