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Author Archives: Janet Mullany

Thank you for calling the Regencyland Hotline. Please listen carefully as our options have changed.

If you are a debutante about to embark upon your first London season, please press 1 for a hot seduction in the conservatory at your first ball, 2 for an embarrassing episode at Almacks, 3 for the invasion of your bedchamber by a stranger whose identity you cannot discover, 4 for a secret baby.

If you are a gentleman spy, please press 1 for your next assignment, 2 to report on your last, 3 for an application to the Spies’ Club of your choice, or 4 for a secret baby. You will be required to enter your ID and password. If you have forgotten your password, you will be asked to enter your ID and the answer to your secret question. If you have forgotten your ID, you will be asked to enter your ID and the answer to yet another secret question. If you have forgotten both your ID and your password you’re screwed and you might as well give yourself up to the Frenchies immediately, because frankly all that sex has ruined your memory and we’re not particularly bothered about you giving away any state secrets.

If you are an experienced woman of a certain age, please press 1 for the availability of any Dukes looking for a mistress (please be patient; there are more than enough Dukes for everyone), 2 for any naive young men of the ton seeking sexual initiation, 3 for any of your younger siblings whom you selflessly and tirelessly support, 4 for a secret baby.

If you are a Duke, please press 1 for the availability of a suitable mistress, 2 for spy opportunities (you will be asked to create an ID and password. Even though you are horribly inbred and not the sharpest knife in the ducal drawer you must try and remember them and do not use something easily remembered like the name of your dog) 3 for any recent challenges to your title, 4 for a secret baby.

If you are a commoner and male, please press 1 for a current list of dukedoms inherited under mysterious circumstances that may be open for dispute, 2 for current opportunities as minor characters with the possibility of advancement to your own book later in the series, 3 for opportunities for emotional damage and/or interesting scars if you have already filed your minor character application, 4 for opportunities to beget secret babies.

If you are a … OK, it’s your turn.

Janet, who has spent most of the morning on the phone but is pleased to announce that A MOST LAMENTABLE COMEDY has gone into a second printing and that you can see the very pretty cover of her next book IMPROPER RELATIONS (with incorrect tag line) here.

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I really think I shall have to sack my maid. She is not only a saucy piece who makes the humble yet necessary job of ironing into some sort of grand seduction, but she’s incompetent! You should see the wrinkles in my clothes and the evidence of hasty, last minute laundering. When we reach our destination later today I shall have to stand over her and supervise her every move. I am just grateful that there will be very few gentlemen attending the event.

I shall spend the better part of an hour discussing the neverending problem of servants to anyone who cares to attend.

As for me, I shall be most modestly and suitably attired for travel–note that my maid seems to have lost her kerchief again–it is an excessively tiresome habit.

I shall take the precaution of taking my apothecary chest lest any of my acquaintances suffer a fit of the vapors or appear crapulous following an evening of gossip and refreshment.

And of course my writing slope will accompany me, for although I am not in such dire straits as Miss Jewell or Miss McCabe regarding their literary obligations, I do have a great deal of work to do.

In translation: Yes, I shall be attending the New Jersey Romance Writers Conference, giving my workshop on servants, and signing at the Literacy Bookfair on Saturday. I hope I’ll see you there! Next week I shall have pictures.

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Two things are real today. One is that summer is quite definitely over and instead of toughing it out until November 1 (I made the rule and by golly I can break it) I turned on the heating and am wearing strange layers of clothes, necessitated by what’s clean or what can pass for clean.

The other reality is my next book from Little Black Dress. It’s real because I have revisions and a release date–February 2010–and, huzzah, the title I chose, Improper Relations.

I wrote this scene, where the heroine and her sister-in-law visit their aunt Lady Hortense Renbourn, one night when I had insomnia and decided to write at 2 a.m. I think I was more asleep than I realized, because this is what I came up with, and quite a surprise when I read it later. Although the character had appeared earlier in the book I wasn’t quite sure why she was there. I still wasn’t quite sure after this scene either, although she turned out to be very important to the plot. It was the invention of Lady Renbourn that confirmed my belief that (sometimes) I know what I’m doing even when I think I’m not (as far as writing goes, anyway).

Lady Renbourn’s drawing room is infested with cats and a handful of decorative young men, all dewy eyes and careful curls. She is apparently fashionable in a strange sort of way—the young men hang upon her every word and seem grateful when picked out for any particular insult.
A cat climbs into my lap and proceeds to shed, purring with delight.
“I see Cleopatra likes you,” Aunt Renbourn says. “Tom, show the lady what Cleopatra did to you.”
Obligingly the young man turns back his velvet cuff to display a collection of livid scratches.
“Love tokens!” screeches Aunt Renbourn. “We’ll have claret, now. Johnny—damn the boy, where is he?—you’ll pour. I won’t have the footmen bothered; they’re cleaning the silver. So, miss, give us the news. I hear you and Shad spurn the town to bill and coo at home. Most unfashionable, you’ll regret it.”
“I trust your ladyship is in good health,” Marianne comments. She wipes cat hair from her glass.
“I’m at death’s door, you hussy.” Aunt Renbourn, immune to polite conversation, takes a swallow of claret and belches. “Those onions will be the death of me. Francis will play the spinet for us now. None of this newfangled stuff by foreigners, Francis—give us some Playford tunes.”
One of the young men shoos a couple of cats from the instruments and wipes the keys with a handkerchief. The spinet is ancient, like its owner, and sadly out of tune and missing a few notes. Aunt Renbourn listens with avid delight, thumping her ebony cane in time (mostly) to the music and occasionally humming along.
“Has Shad found himself a mistress yet?” she shouts across the room, apropos of nothing.
“I believe not, ma’am,” I bellow back.
“He will. And what think you of the Bastards?”
“They are charming children,” I respond.
She stands, scattering a cat or two from her lap, and hobbles behind a screen set in a corner of the room, where I suspect a chamber pot resides.
One of the decorative young men rouses himself to make a comment on the weather. Johnny pours everyone more claret, Francis and the spinet continue to abuse Playford, and Tom extricates himself from fashionable lethargy to tell me he admires my hairstyle.
Aunt Renbourn emerges from behind the screen. She proceeds to entertain us for a good half hour with an extraordinary narration of vice, dissipation, and depravity involving virtually every wellborn family in England. Even Marianne looks taken aback at the revelation of young Lord L—’s indiscretion with his valet, the valet’s sister, two military officers and a luckless goat.
“And they had to completely replace the wallpaper!” Aunt Renbourn concludes.

Question of the day: What have you learned about trusting your instincts?

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Blogger Madeleine Conway at That Reading/Writing Thing had some very nice things to say about A Most Lamentable Comedy, including this statement:

… her cast of secondary characters, however improbable, also have that unmistakeable air of coming from some research that amply demonstrates that old cliché about truth, fiction and strangeness.

Quite often here at the Riskies I like to explore the oddities of history that I’ve discovered and when Diane blogged earlier this week about Napoleon, I was inspired to dig into the scattered and messy files of my memory to write about Betsy Bonaparte (1785-1879), Baltimore girl who made good–for a time. She was a rich merchant’s daughter who married Bonaparte’s younger brother Jerome Bonaparte in 1803.

Big brother, who had his eyes on further conquest of Europe through his siblings’ significant marriages, was not amused and ordered Jerome back to France–without his blushing bride. Poor Betsy, pregnant and alone, took refuge in London where she gave birth to their son Jerome Napoleon Bonaparte aka Bo. Big brother Napoleon, not particularly bothered by such trifling matters as bigamy, married his troublesome younger brother off to a German princess, Catherina of Wurtemburg.

Betsy and baby Bo returned to Baltimore where she was notorious for her European connections and her fashion, which was a bit much by federal American standards. Rosalie Calvert, mistress of Riversdale House, Maryland, met Betsy Bonaparte in 1804 at a party hosted by Robert Smith, Jefferson’s secretary of the navy, and commented that she …was wearing a dress so transparent that you could see the color and shape of her thighs and more! Several ladies made a point of leaving the room and one informed the belle that if she did not change her manner of dressing, she would never be asked anywhere again.

Another guest gave a similar account: She [Madame Bonaparte] has made a great noise here, and mobs of boys have crowded round her splendid equipage to see what I hope will not often be seen in this country, an almost naked woman. An elegant and select party was given to her by Mrs. Robt. Smith; her appearance was such that it threw all the company into confusion and no one dared to look at her but by stealth.

Betsy was finally granted a pension by Napoleon, but never the title she wanted so much, and in 1815 a divorce by the state of Maryland , and set her hopes on Bo making a grand European marriage. Bo was not interested, becoming a lawyer and marrying a local heiress. Mama was not pleased.

It was impossible to bend my talents and my ambition to the obscure destiny of a Baltimore housekeeper, and it was absurd to attempt it after I had married the brother of an emperor. . . . When I first heard that my son could condescend to marry anyone in Baltimore, I nearly went mad. . . . I repeat, that I would have starved, died, rather than have married in Baltimore. . . .

In 1855, when the Bonapartes were again in power in France, Bo was offered the title of Duke of Sartene. He turned it down. Ironically, her widowed sister in law Marianne Patterson married Richard Wellesley, the older brother of the Duke of Wellington. Poor Betsy, surrounded by family members either turning down or effortlessly achieving the greatness she craved!

Betsy, disillusioned and alone (she never remarried) spent the rest of her life amassing money and at the time of her death, having outlived Bo by nine years, had an estate worth $1, 500,000. She’s buried in Greenmount Cemetery, Baltimore. Her life inspired a play, Glorious Betsy, by Rida Johnson Young, which was made into a movie in 1928 and again as Hearts Divided (1936).

What are your favorite examples of truth being stranger than fiction?


It’s true. Reading has ruined my life.

I caused great physical discomfort to my family when I locked myself in the (only) bathroom in the house with a book, emerging only when one of them hammered at the door and told me to get out of there.

I have suffered financially from vast amounts spent on library fines, at bookstores, and at bookstore cafes.

I have wasted valuable time missing stops on public transport because I’ve been reading.

I have caused myself embarrassment by laughing aloud in public, or, worse, weeping.

Injuries have been sustained by family members tripping over books left on the floor.

Doing taxes, cleaning the house, emptying the cat’s litter box, doing good works, etc. have all taken a second place to reading.

My physical beauty is ravaged by paper cuts and the tragic effects of falling asleep with a book in my hand/or in some bizarre position best suited to reading rather than sleeping.

I would rather read in the bathtub than clean it.

How has reading ruined your life? And what is currently your ruination of choice?

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