Bertie the Beau (our resident Regency time-traveling exquisite) and I watched the season finale of Heroes last night, and Bertie just can’t stop talking about it!

So I thought — why not have an online discussion with him, to see what a Regency dandy thinks about superheroes?

Luckily for me, he agreed.

Hi, Bertie! Thanks for joining us!

Delighted to be here! Thank you for the tea.

You’re very welcome! So, Bertie — what did you think of Heroes last night? Did it fulfill your expectations?

Oh, I found it fascinating. But I do wish there hadn’t been quite so much fighting. Firearms, swords, fists — I did wish it would stop!

Oh — did the violence bother you?

Bother me? Oh, no. I quite like violence.

You…like violence? (Should I be worrying about this? Are you going to start having melees in my living room?)

Goodness, nothing of the sort. When I say I like violence, I mean I enjoy watching things such as prize-fighting (the science, the agile movements, the beautiful bodies) and fencing (the sheer poetry of motion).

So…what part of the fighting in Heroes didn’t you like?

They got all messy. It was highly displeasing!
The characters in Heroes should look dapper, like this:

Ah, yes. Such a nice coat. And I do like the hair.

Precisely! That is what heroes should look like.

Not with their hair all over the place, and dust and dirt and whatnot randomly sprinkled about, like this:

Now I ask you: is that attractive?

Well, as that is the villain, I don’t think he’s supposed to be attractive.

Nonsense. Everyone should be attractive. (Particularly the villains. After all, isn’t it said that villains should be rounded characters, and not all bad? That’s a subtle way of saying they should be handsome and well-dressed. And definitely clean.)

Hmm… I fear we’ve gotten off the subject. (You do have a wonderful way of leading the conversation into unexpected paths.) So I’ll just finish by asking: if you could have one superhero power, what would you have? The ability to always be elegant, or never get dirty?

Ahem. I already have those powers.

Oh, yes, sorry. I knew that. So, what would your power be?

I would most like the ability to render all animals around me (particularly cats) magnetic, so that if they shed their fur, it still sticks to them, and never touches my coat.

Lovely. (Though I’m not sure you’ll be invited into the Justice League anytime soon. That’s not exactly a power to rescue people with, is it?)

Oh, very well. I will specify that my power will affect all cats everywhere on the globe — and I will so beautify the world that I will be hailed the most superb of all super heroes.

Thanks for joining us today, Bertie!

My pleasure. (And yours, too, of course.)