Greetings! It is I, Bertram St. James, Exquisite — also known as Bertie the Beau. (Because I am. Very.)

Today I shall (attempt to) teach you all how to be more beautiful, more elegant, more….more…how can I put this?

Oh, very well, I’ll say it. More like me. (Which is of course the goal to which you all aspire.)

First, you must shun all cats. Cats have one goal in life, and that is to ensure that you are as covered in cat-hair as they are. This proves that cats are selfish, vain beasts, and do not deserve the company of such beautiful creatures as us.

Second, you must get your beauty rest. Twelve hours a night should do, but if you insist on staying up late to watch the fascinating dramas on the TeleVision Device (such as Heroes, starring the very beau Hayden Panettiere and Sendhil Ramamurthy) and find you only have eleven hours for sleep, do take a nap the following day.

Third, wash your face in cream seven times a day. (This, by the way, is yet another reason not to keep a cat, who will take far too much interest in such a procedure–after which, one’s face is sadly scoured and red.)

Fourth, you must pay your valet well. (Or your lady’s maid, if you are a lady.) Allow your man to sneak a bit of your best brandy — after all, pettiness never won loyalty — but do not allow him to drink too much of it, or you will find your haircuts uneven and your coats poorly brushed.

Fifth, and most important: be born beautiful.

Those, in short, are my guidelines. What are yours? How do you recommend treating your valet (or lady’s maid)? Do you have a cat, and, if so, how do you manage to stay beautiful?

Yours in elegance,

Bertie the Beau