There is a Christmas elf in my life that is not a good elf.

First, it stole the tea I bought yesterday.

I had to go out to buy more tea and also realized that I’d have to buy the stuff we need for xmas dinner. So horrified was I to find the elf had bought all the loose green beans–we have no shortage of labor to top and tail–leaving only the expensive bagged ones, that the elf made me forget the tea. I then went to another store to buy the tea and when I came home the elf had cunningly replaced the original tea, but while I was rejoicing, stole the gift wrap, bought under great duress at the dollar store, that I knew I had brought into the house.

And so it goes. The elf is also in charge of programming on our local NPR classical affiliate–WETA, 90.9 FM, I’m talking to you–and playing hour after hour of appalling Christmas dreck, preciously overorchestrated carols. I only hope the announcers are under instructions to throw each CD on the floor after playing, grind their heels on them, rendering them useless, and thus making future Decembers safe for people who actually like music.

The elf is in charge of gas prices. The elf instructs people to wander round stores, talking on their cell phones, and lures cashiers away. The elf has hidden my favorite knitted winter hat. The elf has…

Well, I think you get the idea. Santa or whoever, please send over a bunch of nice, helpful elves who will find the things I’ve lost, clean the house, finish the book, and make me enjoy this alleged most wonderful time of the year.

Happy holidays everyone. Are your elves behaving?

The winners of the Austen birthday blog tour from December 16 will be announced officially here today, but Sofia, who I’ve just emailed, is my winner. Congrats!