Greetings! It is I, Bertram St. James, delighted to be here (as always). I know you Twenty-First Century folk do not much care to answer my questions, but I will nonetheless continue to ask them. Such as:

1. How can the United States of America call itself a republic, and yet have a queen? And what sort of a queenly name is Latifah, anyway?

2. Why would anyone pay eighty dollars to buy Obsession? Is not Obsession something one comes by naturally, and occasionally pays large sums to be rid of?

3. In my day, musicians had names like John and Nathaniel. Why do musicians today have names like N Sync and Eminem? And why do they play no instruments?

4. Speaking of musicians, if M.T.V. truly stands for “Musical TeleVision”, why does it play no music?

If anyone can explain to me the answers to these conundrums, I will be most grateful.

Yours as ever, and exquisite as always,

Bertie the Beau