From the disturbed mind that brought you AUSTEN TREK, JANE AUSTEN’S “BATMAN,” and RIME OF THE VULCAN MARINER….
We present to you JANE AUSTEN’S “TWILIGHT”……
About five seconds after the arrival of my truck, it became certain that Edward Cullen was also arrived. His eyes were fixed on me with an intensity I found no less disturbing than intriguing.
A blue van which entered the park at this point seemed at first to offer me no danger, but an unnoticed patch of ice threw it suddenly in my direction; and I, unable to move quickly enough to seek shelter, stood immobile in its path as the vehicle hurried along.
Edward Cullen, who was standing across the park at that time, was somehow able to render me assistance. He stopped the course of the van, and raised it from the ground, but my head had been injured in my fall, and I was scarcely able to stand. The pale gentleman offered me his services; and perceiving that my modesty declined what my situation rendered necessary, took me up in his arms without farther delay, and carried me past the van. Moving through the park, he bore me directly to the ambulance, whither the EMTs were busily working, and quitted not his hold till he had placed me onto the stretcher.
The remaining Cullens rose up in amazement at this, and while the eyes of all were fixed on me with an evident wonder, mine were fixed on Edward from a secret admiration which equally sprung from his exceedingly comely appearance and the wintery temperature of his hands. He apologized for his boldness in a manner so frank and so graceful that his person, which was uncommonly handsome, received additional charms from his voice and expression. Had he seemed old, ugly, and tan, my gratitude and kindness would have been secured by any such act of heroism; but the appearance of youth, beauty, and elegance, coupled with an occasional attractive sparkle, gave an interest to the action which came home to my feelings.
Indeed, his manly beauty and more than common gracefulness were instantly the theme of my intense admiration. His person and air were equal to what my fancy had ever drawn for the hero of a favourite story; and in his stopping the course of the van with one cold hand when he had a moment before been standing across the park, there was a rapidity of movement which particularly recommended him to me. Every circumstance belonging to him was interesting. His name was good, his skin colour matched my favourite blouse, and I soon found out that of all manly hair colours, bronze was the most becoming.
Cara King, who will do Jane Austen’s Phantom very soon, she promises!
Hey, wait a minute–was that vampire, Edward, supposed to be good-looking, or something? That explains a lot! (Like the screaming teenaged girls in the row behind me at the theater, for instance…)
Ummm, yes, that vampire Edward was most certainly supposed to be good-looking…and I could barely hear the dialogue over all the screaming girls at our theater. But then again, I have it memorized from the book and so could fill in the blanks.
Very nice, Cara!
LOL! What a great way to start a yucky cold morning. 🙂
“and I could barely hear the dialogue over all the screaming girls at our theater”
Tee hee. There was little screaming at the theater where I went, but there WAS an immense amount of giggling and gasping (not from me!) 🙂 I couldn’t help but think they should have changed their makeup strategy–instead of looking intriguingly pale, they looked as if they bought too much makeup at the CVS and decided to wear every bit of it all at once…
And does being a vampire mean an unending supply of hair gel? Just askin’
“his skin colour matched my favorite blouse”
Ha! Excellent, Cara.
I can’t wait to see the movie, even though I’ve heard it’s not amazing. But still. It is such a cool phenomenon, and the books are addictive.
Hahaha! Cara King strikes again! “whither the EMTs” indeed. I haven’t read this, have no interest in seeing the movie nor letting my 11 y.o. see it, but I still found this funny. I guess that says something about the power of the subject matter.
Is it possible he is pale and morose due to simple exhaustion at the many hours of time per day it takes him to fix his hair?
Very cool! 🙂 Alas, I’m the only one who hasn’t seen nor read these, so I can’t compare it to the original Twilight, but it’s just fine and fun all on it’s own! 🙂
My favorite line was: there was a rapidity of movement which particularly recommended him to me
So Austen-like!!! So Marianne…
I fear Twilight is a phenomenon that heretofore (this Austen language becomes addictive) has escaped my notice entirely. I do recall, though, the passions of the pre- and young adolescent girl, both from my daughter and myself!
Another masterpiece, Cara!
Okay, I need to comment on the hair thing.
I like Edward’s hair. Very much.
And in the book, when he’s talking about what popular music he has enjoyed from the past hundred years, he mentions that he liked 80s music.
Which I’m sure is why he has an 80s hairstyle.
So it’s not so strange after all!!!
Cara (who liked the 80s herself…)
Very cool, Cara. I enjoyed this even though the phenomenon has not yet swept my household (though I expect it is only a matter of time).
Oh and for the record, I actually liked some things about the 80s too, but not the clothes. Those boxy suits with the shoulder pads–eek! I hope they never come back.
Excellent as always, Cara. Haven’t read the books, tho I think the covers are wonderful, don’t want to see the film…
Perhaps if you turned into a vampire with a lot of hair gel it stays with you?
Elena, I agree the women’s fashions in the 80s weren’t all wonderful…but I did like the guy’s clothes. New wave suits with skinny ties — I’m there!
And though the teen girls didn’t always look gorgeous, at least they didn’t have to show tons of skin to be in fashion…
Having read Jane Austen’s ‘Twilight’ I won’t need to rush out to see ‘Twilight’ and risk my hearing. I had it shattered when I recently saw ‘High School Musical THREE For Pity’s Sake’! And YES that is the actual title of the movie.
Another masterpiece. I can’t wait for Phantom. Hair gel optional.
I remember the 80s. In fact, I think I still own a skinny tie that dates from the 80s. Not that I ever wear ties, skinny or otherwise–what’s the point of being a scruffy scientist if you have to wear a tie?!!
Hmm. This does raise an interesting question, though. If one retains a fondness for the music of one’s youth…and that is true for vampires, too…then if you see a very pale guy who looks 17 but is rockin’ out to Perry Como, RUN!!
Brava! Fabulous. Thanks.
BTW, thanks for all the kind words on this mash-up, everyone!
Very Cool. I was hoping for the word “countenance” to make an appearance. LOL it really was very funny…(p.s. I know my spelling sucks)
I know I am way late commenting on this but I just found your site. Is it wrong that I have a girl-crush on you right now? Haha. Nice last name, by the way (something we have in common). I’m adding you to my blogroll.
Thanks, LeLe!!! We can pretend we’re related. (And it’s never too late to comment!) 🙂
BTW, I glanced at your blogger profile — and I’m always honored when anyone with such excellent taste as to like both “Shakespeare in Love” and David Bowie enjoys my work! 🙂
Well, we must both have good taste. 😉
“…mine were fixed on Edward from a secret admiration which equally sprung from his exceedingly comely appearance and the wintery temperature of his hands.”
I haven’t seen Twilight, but several intelligent teenage girls who are not inclined to scream in theaters have told me that it is hilarious. I doubt if the movie is as funny as your delicious take on it.
I doubt if the movie is as funny as your delicious take on it.
And of course, I only do mash-ups of things I love, so to any Twilight fans out there, I’ll just mention that I love the novels and the movie! 🙂