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Announcement! Next Tuesday, our own delightful Regency time-traveler, Bertram St. James (a.k.a. Bertie the Beau), will join us to blog about his thoughts on the Regency Christmas anthology Mistletoe Kisses. (He promises to read it by then.) So do join us!

Now, on with today’s very important, very serious debate, in which YOU will decide the fate of….. (Drumroll please)…. JANE AUSTEN!!!

Okay, not really. But you will really decide the fate of…. THE JANE AUSTEN ACTION FIGURE!!! (Pictured here. Genius sold separately.)

Just answer the following questions, and the majority will determine her future! (After all, ActionFigureLand is a democracy. Hmm…. Now that I think of it, if it is, it must be one in which the actual action figures don’t get a vote. Not sure that’s fair. Then again, I’m not an action figure, so who cares!)

QUESTION ONE: If the Jane Austen action figure sits down one day and reads all of her own novels — oh, and lets throw in some Heyer for good measure, surely Austen would have read her given the chance — so, she reads all of Austen and Heyer, feels very romantic, and decides to find her true love.

Unfortunately (or fortunately, perhaps), she finds she has only three choices. So…. WHO DOES SHE PICK?

Does she pick the Sherlock Holmes Action Figure?

Or the Casanova Action Figure?

Or does she go for Herr Beethoven’s Action Figure?

And which of the three would give her the most talented offspring???

Now… for QUESTION TWO!!!!!! This one has two parts.

A. If the Jane Austen Action Figure gets into a fight with Barbie, who wins?

Keep in mind that Barbie may be more physically active… But Jane probably knows how to gouge with her quill (as well as her wit). Who’s the victor? To whom the spoils? (If Jane wins, she gets all Barbie’s shoes.)

B. If the Jane Austen Action Figure had a knock-down, drag-out fight with the Marie Antoinette Action Figure, who would triumph, and who would be guillotined???

Ooh, I so love this doll. Ejector head!!!

(Amanda, if you don’t have this one already, you need it!!! Hello Kitty wants to play with it!!!)

Cara
Cara King, author of MY LADY GAMESTER
Starring the Atalanta James Action Figure

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Todd

17 years ago

You ask such difficult questions! 🙂

1. Casanova is a dashing figure, an excellent writer, a brilliant wit. A good match for Jane in that respect. But I’ve been reading his memoirs, and–well–he’s barely out of his teens and has already had two venereal diseases! Definitely out.

(BTW, they seemed to downplay that aspect of Casanova’s history in the movie with Heath Ledger.)

Beethoven and Sherlock Holmes are both brilliant in their ways; but Holmes, being a bit of a misogynist, and moreover being still stuck on Irene Adler (The Woman), doesn’t seem like great husband material. So Beethoven it is! Though I fear his playing piano loudly at all hours and constantly saying “What, dear?” may eventually get on our Jane’s nerves…

2A. I have no doubt that Jane would instantly skewer Barbie with her rapier wit. The only downside is that Barbie might not actually notice. (After all, “Math is hard!”)

Still, I can’t see it getting physical. Barbie has a sunny disposition, and besides, she might break a nail.

2B. I have to say that this doesn’t really seem like a fair contest. Going into a fight when you have an ejector head is like going into a fight wearing gasoline-soaked overalls with a large red button that says “Press here to ignite.” Frankly, Marie’s only chance would be to knock Jane out with her ejector head in the first rush; which, when you think about it, would be something of a pyrrhic victory.

And so, to sum up: Action Figure Jane Rules!

Todd-who-is-now-planning-a-fight-between-the-Oscar-Wilde-and-Obi-Wan-Kenobi-action-figures:-is-the-pen-truly-mightier-than-the-sword?

Abby

1. Sherlock. No contest! Intelligence wins. Besides, Casanova looks a little flabby and Beethoven’s wig is a turn-off.

2a. Jane makes Barbie cry. Every time.

2b. Er, Todd is right. How can you fight someone whose head detaches and whose skirts are bigger than yours? Perhaps Jane will skewer Marie with biting satire instead?

Theresa N.

1. Beethovan, Sherlocks to busy with the hounds. And poor Casanova’s to busy sampling.
2. Jane, Barbie’s to worried about the latest fashions to win this battle.
3. Jane, Marie just can’t seem to keep her head on.

Anonymous

1. Bad choices all around. Sherlock: drug addict
Casanova: VD
Beethoven: Deaf and probably diseased. So Jane has no choice but to…

2.Form a sapphic union with Barbie until someone better and smarter comes along (NOT Ken).

3. Poor Marie A. Even in death she gets no respect. Jane would no doubt be distributing bread to the poor so would keep her head.

Manuelita

1. I say let’s pair Jane up with Charles Dickens. Then they can battle each other with their quills. LOL! http://www.mcphee.com/items/11516.html

2a. Jane is my hero, um heroine, so I would say she would win.

2b. I think Marie Antoinette’s ejector head would knock Jane out for a while.

Kalen Hughes

OMG, who is that anon made me choke on my lunch.

Bertram St James

So very delighted about next week, when I shall take my first voyage as that exotic creature known as Critic. Instead of Essays of Elia, I shall call my opinings The Bemusings of Bertie. Or perhaps The Scintillating Jeremiads of St James? The Beatitudes of Bertram?

But back to to-day’s questions…

1. Whichever one’s the wealthiest. (Wives never associate with their husbands anyway, but they do go shopping, so filthy (and indispensible) lucre seems the most relevant point.)

2. A. I have the utmost respect for, and fear of, writers. So my vote goes to Miss Austen.

B. Even greater than my fear of writers, is my fear of the French. Who do you think trained Robespierre in torture? Or Bonaparte in battle tactics? The butter-wouldn’t-melt-in-my-mouth Austrian-turned-French queen, Marie Antoinette. Head or no head, my money’s on her.

Waiting for next Tuesday with bated breath, and curled locks,

I remain, elegant as ever,

Bertie the Beau

Lois

Marie Antoinette Ejector head, huh. . . hmm. . . one learns something new every day. 😉

okie dokie —

1 – I’m trying to think as JA here, but Lois keeps thinking, definitely SH. But he’s not a people person. Well, lady people person. VDs aside, let’s face it, she have a crush on him.

Kids though, with that, she is definitely better off with Sherlock, and boy you’re talking about Einstein’s there!!! 🙂

2a – ah, I’ve seen the size of JA action figure, and I still have plenty of Barbies. . . so if we ignore sizes, I guess Barbie would trounce her (if you get the Barbie dressed as Lucy from the episode where she goes to stomp the grapes). 😉 If we don’t ignore the size, ah, Barbie becomes the amazon there, so even if it’s Peaches and Cream Barbie, she so beats JA. But if it’s a match up of the minds, and while there has been a nurse Barbie, doctor Barbie, Astronaut Barbie (have her!!!), archeologist Barbie and President Barbie, I don’t recall a Writer Barbie, so JA will win!! 🙂

b – Oh geez, I don’t know, I still can’t get over the fact she’s got an ejector head!!! None of my He-Mans ever had that!!!! LOL 🙂

Lois, who has used one of many Darth Vader figures to kill both my one Captain Kirk figure and one of my two Captain Picards so she can get command of the Enterprise!! 🙂

Oh, and I forgot, while Vader’s killing Kirk and Picard, Mulder’s just watching, shaking his head saying, “aliens, who needs them” and goes to disect the alien that comes with him since I never got a Scully to partner with him ’cause I don’t like her.

Whew — I gotta stop with those run on sentences – they are tiring! 🙂

Oh, and looking over my post, I realized my number one isn’t clear. It should be VDs aside, she’d have a crush on Casanova. But maybe you guys would have gotten it.

Now I’ll be quiet now. 🙂

1. Casanova, of course. Diseases aside, if one is going to die young, one might as well have fun before dying. And Casanova, unlike the other two sticks, definitely knew what fun was. And a young blood in his prime! Hawt!

However, if talented offspring is the desired outcome, then my money’s on Sherlock Holmes.

And the reason is George Bernard Shaw’s comment to his lady friend the actress who said that they would have beautiful and talented children with her beauty and his brains. He replied that their children could have his looks and her mind instead. Gene-selection at work.

With Casanova-Austen pairing, the child could end up with Austen’s looks and Casanova’s writing talent. With the Beethoven-Austen pairing, Jane’s musical ability was not really at the symphonic level.

But with Sherlock Holmes, since they were both of average looks, their offspring would actually look better than either of them, both of them have formidable minds and writing ability. Jane couldn’t go wrong with choosing Holmes.

2a. Barbie has a large arsenal of weapons: stiletto heels for skewering, formidable bosom for smothering, long long hair for strangling, a voice that shatters glass, and a damsel-in-distress routine down pat so that the guys coming over to rescue her would rout the opponent. In comparison, Jane has only her rapier wit and a quill, both weapons of the same kind. Uh-oh! My vote’s for Barbie.

2b. On one hand, I want to say both. Marie because of her childish willfulness and extravagance and Jane because of her sharp comments and general busybodiness.

The instant-removable dress, however, would keep Marie safe because her executioners would be far too busy oggling her to execute her.

And the ejector head? Oh, I think that’s just a mask that Marie put on for one of her masquerade parties. Her real head is in her chest.

So, poor Jane would lose her head in this contest.

(Anon your comments were hilarious!)

Going back down the list and replying to posts I missed last week.

alissa

Casanova may put Jane under a spell with his charm and charisma but it wouldn’t last long enough until she was tired of his antics. She would definitely thrive with Sherlock due to their meeting of the minds, their extreme sense of right and wrong and their understanding of each other’s personalities. Beethoven would not be involved since he has a one track mind.
Jane’s capabilities and strengths would allow her to excel over Barbie’s futile attempts. Barbie would be glassy eyed while Jane would be miles ahead in her dissertation.
As far as Marie is concerned she is a lost soul and doesn’t stand a chance even with the ejector head which would malfunction and be of no earthly use to her. Jane would make short shrift of her in no time and she is the ultimate winner in this matchup.

Jane has so many other choices: Shakespeare, Da Vinci, Dickens, Poe, even Oscar Wilde (I’m sure Jane wouldn’t mind his green carnations). But in my mind, nothing, NOTHING is as wonderful as the Avenging Unicorn Playset!

Cara King

OMG, Kalen, that unicorn is so funny!!!

Cara

Amanda McCabe

I have that JA action figure!!! She sits by my computer and stares at me sternly when I’m tempted to leave my WIP and check on Go Fug Yourself. But she does come with her own desk, quill pen, and a tiny copy of P&P. Her head stays firmly on, too. 🙂

I agree with Todd. Can’t see a physical fight between Barbie and JA. Jane has too much sense to get involved in a “Girls Gone Wild”/Paris Hilton scene, and Barbie would get distracted by her reflection in any nearby window. As for suitors–I need to introduce Jane to my Shakespeare Little Thinket doll from the Unemployed Philosophers Guild…

You know, I didn’t realize that a sapphic union with Barbie was one of the allowed options. No fair!

Todd-whose-mind-is-reeling-with-the-possibilities

Cara, ah! It’s only on the second reading that I noticed your signature at the bottom of the post. Whom does your Atalanta James action figure most closely resemble?

I’m not sure what you mean, Keira. Do you mean, Jane or Barbie? Or what other action figure?

Diane Perkins

I was gone all day and didn’t have a chance to vote. I’m still reeling with indecision. Poor Jane. she doesn’t have the greatest selection in men, does she?
Poor Barbie is getting a bad rap when the manufacturer is trying to present her as more than a pretty face.
A Marie Antoinette ejector head? What is this world coming to??

Cara, I meant any action figure, including Jane and Barbie and a host of others. Do you have a favorite action figure in mind for your Atalanta?

Do you have a favorite action figure in mind for your Atalanta?

Oh, not really, Keira. But I can picture her in my mind! She has a pack of cards in one hand… She’s wearing blue… And she looks icy. Or maybe she has this little secret smile on her face…

Stoke might look like a Mal Reynolds action figure… But a little more buff… 😉

Okay, no, I’ll be honest — Stoke is Russell Crowe in Gladiator! (Todd rolled his eyes at all the pics of Gladiator Russell I had to have by my computer…)